Currently Listening Give Up By The Postal Service see related

As her life continues she can’t evade that open door.  It seems to be around every corner, down every dark ally, and at every intersection.  Every time she passes it by the desire to enter in grows.  One day when she was in an ally she came upon the door again.  This time she decided to stop and peek in.  Little had changed since last time she walked through the room.  Standing there a feeling of warmth and comfort surged throughout her body.  It was an amazing feeling of peace that could only come from her Father.  As she was about to step in she looked down and saw the chains.  Chains that have defined her for so long.  Some she picked up as a young girl, others more recently.  Chains of unforgiveness and of doubt and fear.  She can’t live in that room with all these chains.  But she’s grown so comfortable with them.  What will she define herself by if not her past?  This time she walks away much more slowly, and much more aware of her chains.

Currently Watching Dead Poets Society By Robin Williams, Robert Sean Leonard, Ethan Hawke see related

Her life is the product of the influence of others.  Some good, some not so good.  She has let the not so good influence her as a result of her insecurities.  Insecurities that started as a little girl.  This little girl was once free, but as long as she can remember she has felt like no one liked her.  So she became who she thought others wanted to see.  She is a great chameleon.  She can fit in most anywhere.  Always on the outer edge.  Never in the center.  She never wants to be seen.   You see, she’s a fake, and she is afraid of anyone finding out.  She can never stay in one place too long.  Her friends are always changing, her personality is always changing, even her likes and dislikes are always changing.  She’ll get to a point where she thinks she knows herself, and then another dusty, old rusted door knob will turn and after walking through cob webs and stale air she’s lead to a place of herself that she never knew existed…. or maybe she had just forgotten, for there are ashes in the fireplace and glasses on the table.  Someone has been there before.  As she walks around, she starts looking deeper, and a sea of emotion starts to explode inside of her.  There is something familiar about this place.  It’s a part of her.  It’s a part of who she truly is.  The moment she starts to realize this fear takes over.  She looks behind her, beside her, all around.  Did anyone else see this?  What will happen if they find it?  Find HER?  She runs out the door as fast as she can.  Glimpsing back she sees the open door.  The cob webs are gone, fresh air replaces the stench of the stale.  But all her insecurities remain.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get far enough past all my insecurities to be able to find myself. 

Currently Listening History for Sale By Blue October ugly side see related

"I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
And not my ugly side
Not my ugly side

I won't let you on my stage, my page
You can't know
Yet you have to know"

i love what being real with people can do in a person's life.  when we are not afraid of letting others see our ugly side.  there is so much healing in that place.  and freedom.  i've been learning a lot about freedom recently.  finding it.  walking in it.  JOY!!! 

So, I feel like I’m starting a new adventure with God.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever been this excited about seeking Him and finding out new things about Him.  I feel like a child that has just been introduced to something new that they know little to nothing about, and they just go off with 5 bazillion questions.  This new journey started this summer.  I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but I know that there was something inside of me that knew there was something missing, knew that there was more to the Christian life than what I was experiencing.  You see, I grew up in a church that never talked about the Holy Spirit.  It’s like we were scared of Him.  Then I was involved in a campus ministry that was pretty much the same way.  However, I can feel God drawing me closer to this part of Him.  I feel like I have a pretty decent knowledge of the Father and the Son, but I know so little about the Spirit.  So, here is where my journey begins.  Only God knows where in the world He’s taking me.  I’m super excited, and a little scared.  However, God made it clear last night that there is no need for me to fear Him the way that I was.  I was more comforted and at peace last night than I have ever been in my life.  I think I’m falling in love with my God!!

Ps—I would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this.  I seriously know so little.  Also, I’ll take any prayers for wisdom and understanding that you’d like to give.

i've been thinking a lot the past week or so.  which is kinda weird cause i used to think a whole lot about a lot of different stuff, but some crap happened in my life and i pretty much quit thinking.  so, it's a pretty big deal that i've been thinking.  i've been thinking about christianity as i know it.  all the traditions and rituals.  and what all you have to do to be respected in christian circles.  i decided a while ago that i hated traditions so i went from a baptist church to a non-denom church.  but there is still so much tradition.  i don't think we'll ever get away from it.  and i've been thinking about the Holy Spirit and how i really don't know Him or what He is actually capable of doing in my life.  since studying this stuff i kinda feel like i've missed out on a huge part of what God can do through me.  and lastly i've been thinking about how when someone who has been living a totally different lifestyle converts to christianity we start to try to force our traditions on them.  i hate that.  it's the same problem some missionaries had when they would get a group of people to believe in Christ and they would force them to worship the same way they did back in their country.  it never works.  it leaves people feeling defeated cause they will never fit in.  i'm excited that those people will never fit in.  they will make a huge impact on people if we would just let them follow Christ without imparting our traditions on them but just speak the truth of God's word to them.  it's kinda sad that i'm finally starting to realize this. 

on a side note, last saturday night i got to run around and play in the rain barefoot like i was a little kid.  i absolutely loved it.